The Jokes thread

[Wild Cat]

Like the funny pictures thread was quite successful I think the joke thread can do well too.............. I'm not sure if there was any in the past.......... don't feel like searching.

So anyway, basically just post any good joke you know or hear here and let this thread grow and be the longest


Here's the first one:




Politically Correct Ways To Say That Someone Is Stupid!

1. All foam, no beer.
2. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
3. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
4. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
5. Bright as Alaska in December.
6. The cheese slid off his cracker.
7. Chimney's clogged.
8. He couldn't bell a buzzard.
9. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
10. Doesn't have all his Cornflakes in one box.
11. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
12. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
13. Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
14. Dumber than a box of hair.
15. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
16. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
17. His family tree obviously doesn't fork.
18. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
19. A few beers short of a six-pack.
20. A few clowns short of a circus.
21. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
22. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
23. A few peas short of a casserole.
24. He is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
25. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
26. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
27. He's so dense, light bends around him.
28. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
29. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
30. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
31. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
32. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
33. If he had a brain he'd be dangerous.
34. If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
35. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
36. If you put his brain in a buzzard, the buzzard would fly upside down.
37. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
38. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
39. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
40. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
41. He makes stupid look smart.
42. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
43. No grain in the silo.
44. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
45. One Ace out of his deck.
46. One brick shy of a full load.
47. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
48. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
49. One neuron short of a synapse.
50. One taco short of a combination plate.
51. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
52. In the pinball game of life, his flippers were further apart than most.
53. The porch light's on, but nobody's home.
54. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
55. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
56. Receiver is off the hook.
57. A room temperature IQ.
58. Put the "S" in stupid.
59. Her sewing machine's out of thread.
60. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
61. Skylight leaks a little.
62. Slinky's kinked.
63. As smart as bait.
64. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
65. Stupid Parents get stupid kids.
66. Suffers from Rectal-Cranial Syndrome.
67. Surfing in Nebraska.
68. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
69. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
70. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
71. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

[Wild Cat]

HoW To KeEp A HeaLthY LeVel Of iNsAniTy aNd dRiVe OtHeR PeOple iNsAnE

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
3. Insist that your e mail address be Xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or Elvis-the-king@companyname.com.
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
6. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN.'
7. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favours"
10. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
11. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
12. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13. Dont use any punctuation
14. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15. Ask people what sex they are.
16. Specify that your drive through order is "to go."
17. Sing along at the opera.( I've done this!)
18. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
20. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
21. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
22. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
23. Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies
24. Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess"
25. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
26. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"
27. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
28. Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do"
29. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go"
30. Every time you see a broom yell "Honey, your mother is here"

AnD tHe FiNal wAy tO aNnOy PeOple:
31. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you.

[DAXLO]

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"



Man, this thread seems like something, i would do.

[Chipper]

Wild Cat told me this joke:

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg?" the bartender asks. "You didn't have that before." "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannonball, but I'm fine now." says the pirate. "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" asked the bartender. "We were in another battle." replied the pirate. "I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really." So the bartender asks, "What about that eye patch?" The pirate replies, "Oh, one day we were at sea, and a flock of sea gulls flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye." You're kidding", said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit." The pirate responds, "It was my first day with the hook."

[Chipper]

My pastor told me this one.

Logic:

These two boys go to apply for college. The one driving the truck gets out, and says: "I'll get us signed up, don't worry". He goes inside and says:

Boy: Yes, I'm here to apply for me and friend.
Register: What courses do you want to take?
Boy: Math
Reg: is that all? Are you sure you don't want a history class?
Boy: yeah sure, toss that in there
Reg: how about Science?
Boy: That's fine
Reg: We have a new course called logic
Boy: Logic? What's that?
Reg: Well, it works like this, do you own a weed eater?
Boy: Yeah I have one
Reg: So I assume you have a Lawn Mower
Boy: Yeah, got one of those too
Reg: So you must own a house?
Boy: Yep
Reg: So do you have kids?
Boy: Yes
Reg: So I assume your a heterosexual, not a homosexual
Boy: YOU BETTER ASSUME THAT!
Reg: So you do have a wife.
Boy: Yes.
Reg: See, that's logic.
Boy: Oh, cool. Yeah, sign us up!

He jumps back in the car when the passenger asks what classes did he get for them.

Boy: We'll I got us a Math, History, Science courses.
Pass: Anything else?
Boy: Well, I got a logic course too.
Pass: Logic, what's that?
Boy: well, it works like this, do you own a weed eater?
Pass: yes
Boy: What about a lawn Mower, do you own one of them?
Pass: no
Boy: YOU A HOMOSEXUAL THEN!!!!!

[Wild Cat]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the
clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am
I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's

[Jekyll]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Next joke :


There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[Kmkarma]

101 ways to annoy someone.

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

102. Make a post this long, and Wild Cat'll kill you. lol

[DAXLO]

lol, i love that last wildcat one.

[Webber3000]

Originally Posted by Wild Cat

Like the funny pictures thread was quite successful I think the joke thread can do well too.............. I'm not sure if there was any in the past.......... don't feel like searching.

So anyway, basically just post any good joke you know or hear here and let this thread grow and be the longest


Here's the first one:




Politically Correct Ways To Say That Someone Is Stupid!

1. All foam, no beer.
2. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
3. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
4. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
5. Bright as Alaska in December.
6. The cheese slid off his cracker.
7. Chimney's clogged.
8. He couldn't bell a buzzard.
9. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
10. Doesn't have all his Cornflakes in one box.
11. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
12. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
13. Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
14. Dumber than a box of hair.
15. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
16. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
17. His family tree obviously doesn't fork.
18. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
19. A few beers short of a six-pack.
20. A few clowns short of a circus.
21. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
22. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
23. A few peas short of a casserole.
24. He is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
25. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
26. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
27. He's so dense, light bends around him.
28. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
29. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
30. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
31. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
32. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
33. If he had a brain he'd be dangerous.
34. If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
35. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
36. If you put his brain in a buzzard, the buzzard would fly upside down.
37. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
38. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
39. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
40. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
41. He makes stupid look smart.
42. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
43. No grain in the silo.
44. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
45. One Ace out of his deck.
46. One brick shy of a full load.
47. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
48. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
49. One neuron short of a synapse.
50. One taco short of a combination plate.
51. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
52. In the pinball game of life, his flippers were further apart than most.
53. The porch light's on, but nobody's home.
54. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
55. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
56. Receiver is off the hook.
57. A room temperature IQ.
58. Put the "S" in stupid.
59. Her sewing machine's out of thread.
60. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
61. Skylight leaks a little.
62. Slinky's kinked.
63. As smart as bait.
64. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
65. Stupid Parents get stupid kids.
66. Suffers from Rectal-Cranial Syndrome.
67. Surfing in Nebraska.
68. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
69. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
70. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
71. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

Holy crap! You sure know a lot of jokes! rofl

[Wild Cat]

Originally Posted by Kmkarma

102. Make a post this long, and Wild Cat'll kill you. lol

Cheeky!!!

I won't kill you for a long post........ I will though if you make a 100 separate spam posts though

=========================

here's another one :


The Potato Garden



An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato
garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over; you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:


Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Fred

At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Fred

[MrsM]

A man walks into the lingerie department of Macy's in New York City. He tells the sales lady, 'I would like a Southern Baptist bra for my wife, size 34B.'

With a quizzical look the sales lady asks, 'What kind of bra?'

He repeats, 'A Southern Baptist bra. My wife said to tell you that she wanted a Southern Baptist bra, and that you would know what she wanted.'

'Oh, yes, now I understand,' says the sales lady. 'We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.'

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asks, 'So, what are the differences?'

The sales lady responds. 'It's really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.'

He muses on that information for a minute and says, 'Hmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Southern Baptist bra do?'

'Ah,' she replied, 'the Southern Baptist bra makes mountains out of molehills.'

[Chinezekid1]

l o l @ all the funny jokes!

[Wild Cat]

An East Coast Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell Father!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No Father, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No Father, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No Father," says the boy. 'Well, myson," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's buddies ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three really good ****ing leads!"

[DAXLO]

Who's That Dog?

There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch. ''Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?'' a tourist asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, ''Nope.'' As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, ''I thought you said your dog didn't bite!'' The old man muttered, ''Ain't my dog.''