The Jokes thread

[Wild Cat]

once upon a time....3 men died and went to heaven....
they stood before God...and God said:
"I am going to send you back, but, before I do, is there anything you want?"
The first guy said: "I want to be 1000 times smarter"
so God said, "okay" and sent him back 1000 times smarter
then...the second guy said..."well....I don't want just 1000 times smarter, how about 100,000 times smarter."
so God said "okay" and sent him back 100,000 times smarter"
well...the third guy said. "Ha, I want to be 1,000,000 times smarter."
so God made him a woman

[DAXLO]

Football Fan To The Rescue

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replies.

"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter.

"Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy says.

"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.

"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child says.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".

[acer07]

New Baby


For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

[Snat]

This is just a post ripped from my blog

With the end of school now coming very close in the UK, I thought I would post 12 comments on report cards that I have found on the World Wide Web.

These 12 are actual comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are they funny!

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to meet them.

6. The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to
hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t
coming.

10. If this student were any stupider he’d have to be watered twice a
week.

11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat
out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

[Jekyll]

Originally Posted by Snat

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t
coming.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

hahaha

[SawanM]

11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat
out 1,000,000 others.


I read your blog, and I saw those jokes as the latest posts

[Snat]

New Ending to an Old Tale

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, Old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed Old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover. To John's amazement, Old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded Old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly Old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year... the bells are not always audible.

[SawanM]

1.) Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?
Tommy: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.

2.) Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie
tickets.
Wife: Why three?
Husband: 4 you and your parents.

3.) Lovers sitting in a park,
Boy tries to kiss the girl..
Girl says No dear not all this before marriage.
Boy: Don’t worry darling “I am already married”.

4.) Interviewer: What is skeleton?
Bob: Sir, skeleton is a person who started dieting but forgot to stop it..!!!

5.) A doctor falls in love with a nurse.. After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to the nurse : “I Love You Sister”.

[Snat]

Taken directly from my blog - http://snat.co.uk/2008/a-blonde-girl...llionaire.html
Likely taken from this forum anyway

Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right … but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 — are you ready?”

Barbara: “Sure, I’ll have a go!”

Regis: “Which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest?

Is it……..

A-Robin $B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars.”

“I think I know who it..but I’m not 100%…

No, I haven’t got a clue. I’d like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: “Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: “I’ll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham.”

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): “Hello…”

Regis: “Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara’s and she’ll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer — fire away Barbara.”

Barbara: “Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush”

Maggie: “Oh Gees, Barbara that’s simple…..It’s a Cuckoo.”

Barbara: “You think?”

Maggie: “I’m sure.”

Barbara: ” Thanks Maggie.” (hangs up)

Regis: “Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?”

Barbara: “I want to play, I’ll go with C-Cuckoo”

Regis: “Is that your final answer?”

Barbara: “It is.”

Regis: “Are you confident?”

Barbara: “Yes fairly, Maggie’s a sound bet.”

Regis: “Barbara…..you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo …you’re right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara.”

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks “Tell me Maggie, How in God’s name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: “Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock.”

[Victor]

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"

The driver is understandably hesitant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."

But the Pope persists, "Please?" The driver finally lets up. "Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the Pope."

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over.

The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: Chief, I have a problem.

Chief: What sort of problem?

Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.

Chief: Important like the mayor?

Cop: No, no, much more important than that.

Chief: Important like the governor?

Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that.

Chief: Like the president?

Cop: More.

Chief: Who's more important than the president?

Cop: I don't know, but he's got the Pope driving for him!

[Edwin]

Lol, good one Snat

[Wild Cat]

Originally Posted by Snat

[I]
Maggie: “Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock.”

LMAO!!!



Yours is not bad either Victor

[Victor]

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot:

"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"


The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Doberman Jesus."

[SawanM]

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

My joke

[rsrikanth05]

Originally Posted by Auron from Discussion Land (Riftrarif)

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about s3x. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OK!

Originally Posted by Riftrarif

An Old Man owned a pond in his huge farm house, lined with fruit trees. One day, he went there to get a big bucket to get fruits. Upon reaching, he found young ladies swimming naked in the pond. They went in deep waters, to shield themselves and said - We are not coming out until you leave. The Old Man replied - I am not here to see you swim naked, or to get you out of the pond naked. I am here to feed the crocodile.

Here you go...